I kind of like that, ‘Hello world’, the automatically assigned first post topic of any WP blog. It’s nice, and severely optimistic. Now, I am not by any means a pessimist, but nor am I overly optimistic. Let’s call me sensibly optimistic. So I know the world will not see my words. Not yet anyway, which is kind of a good thing, since writing for oneself, as I have for years, is one thing, writing for others is another. Hopefully, the writing is not different, rather my attitude. You see opening up, sharing if you will, doesn’t come all that naturally to me. Feelings, of which I, like most of us, have plenty of, were not shared too much in our family, unless we fought. Fighting seems somehow to be an acceptable form of showing feeling. I wonder why. Screaming and kicking and name calling, pounding your sister’s head against the stairs, anger between siblings and even parents, is just as much an open display of feelings, most noticeably hurt, as any display of affection or by softer means. Yet, opening up, for real, was not really our forte. Compliments, affirmation, showing affection was not, and is not, how we communicate, us siblings. Now that I have a child, I am working on it. I don’t want him to be a pent up, angry sod, so feelings are all over our house now a days. It turns out, however, that he is pretty level headed and not prone to either outbursts of anger nor screaming fits. Thankfully he has never been one of those kids that just fell over, face down, screaming and kicking when he didn’t get his way. As for showing affection, he rocks at it, he is generous with asserting his affections and always sweet. God, come to think of it, he is perfection, really.
Anyways, as much as I love talking about him, that is not what this is about. I do believe I have some stuff to share. As a kid I dreamed of working for the state department, traveling as a diplomat, having ‘important meetings’ or whatever it is that those diplomats do (my brother, who for a short period did work for them, asserted that they are nothing but cookie pushers, so I guess I lucked out in never being accepted into their ranks, not for not trying thogh). As I grew, however, I came to realize that I hate working a ‘real’ job. I hated being locked in, on a schedule, I especially hated doing, what I perceived, as mundane, meaningless tasks. No matter the level of the tasks, I experienced the same feeling of waste both as a summer intern as I did as a manager. It just didn’t do it for me, in any way. I actually preferred all those years of waitressing through high school and university. At least what I did then was immediate and real and it didn’t ask that I hand over my mind on a plate. Waitressing sucks, my legs grew varicose veins deeper than Grand Canyon gorges and it was tiring, but it didn’t require loyalty or belief in a company, it didn’t require my all. I did my job and went home. Now the state department things never happened, all my language and political science studies came to no good. My career, if you will was short. I worked in venture capital, I did a couple of startups, I was gainfully employed at a major corporation, having been headhunted there. I quit after three months, realizing it was, to me, utterly meaningless and soul sucking.
As to work, I am a good worker, a hard worker and I appreciate working, it feels good, but I need to see a meaning, I need to achieve real results. So that’s why, after all my years of theoretical higher education set out flipping houses for a few years. Initially my husband and I didn’t mean to flip our first house. We bought it out of love for the house. My husband and I both adore beautiful, especially old, houses. We dream of fixing them up, decorating them. The dream however stops there when teh fixing is done, then what? We lovingly restored it, exhausted we sat back, looked at the house and said, ‘let’s sell’. Within weeks we had found a second house. On it went from there. Those houses afforded us years of not working, (not not working, but not working paying jobs per se, because we always work on something, so it gave us years off the grind). We haven’t had real ‘live’ jobs in 15 years, and I will be the first to say that is a very, very good thing.
The stress, the worry about meeting costs, fretting over where to live, how to live and be, well that is the flip side of not fitting in to a ‘normal’ life, of not fitting inside the box. We went through that big time. Jumping ship, if you will, takes quite a lot of reconsidering of everything you knew to be true, and at least for me, a nice middle class Swede, with a regular degree, regular aspirations and expectations, just going off and saying eff it, was not expected by anyone and even though it suits me, it takes some adjusting mentally and it takes giving oneself a lot of permission, to be, well, different.
Today everything is different, by leaps and bounds the possibilities of how to make an income, how to travel, how to live are just so much greater and thus easier than when we departed the set route. Most importantly, different is much more acceptable. But I’ll cover that later. Let’s leave it at the hard work. It did pay off and we have through the years settled into a way of life that is uniquely ours, that suits us, that makes us happy. We no longer fret (as much), we no longer worry (as much), perhaps this is because we are older, or wiser, or simply because our businesses allow us a good, a little bit easier life. Finally, the work is paying off. Who knows, but I can honestly say that now, after years of slaving (and the slaving will probably continue, if we want to continue our lifestyle, but it will continue on our terms) we are where we want to be. In our lives that is. Right now we are in Sweden, and even though it is June, and it’s midsummer tomorrow, it fucking freezing with pouring rain. So location wise, we need a major improvement (which of course we are planning…)
As to feelings or opening up. I have no obligations to anyone or anything, but to myself. I truly believe I have something to say. I have learnt quite a bit over the years. It took a long time to realize and accept what I know now to be true. So if someone can learn from me, faster, easier and smoother than I did, why shouldn’t I help, if I can? Besides, it is fun writing, I enjoy it.
The picture is of our first major renovation: An 18th century farmhouse outside of Örebro, Sweden.